Hold Onto the Memories, They Will Hold On To You

At some point in our lives, we come with the understanding that our parents will probably die before us. But even still, I don’t think it’s something we think about often. Why would we? No one wants to think about their loved ones dying.

I didn’t think about it until my dad was diagnosed with cancer. And in his four years of living with cancer, I took up some caregiving duties. Sitting by him in his hospital bed. Advocating for things he needed, like inpatient physical rehab. Driving him to appointments and sitting while the doctors explained what’s next. And then, being there while he was in hospice, feeding him Ensure, giving him his pain medication, playing him music, rubbing lavender oil on his temples. Even through all of that, I still was not prepared for how difficult the grief of losing him would be.

There are things I wish I had done. I wish I had saved his voicemails so that I could hear his voice. I wish I had recorded our conversations at the end of his life, because they were so beautiful but they are fading with my memories.

There are things that I did I’m glad I did. I took a few memento’s from his desk and dresser, including the little bell he used to ring when he needed my mom or I, a receipt from Tim Horton’s (large double double! always his order). I took some of his sweatshirts and wear them often. I have e-mails he sent me. I had his signature quote, “build each other up, don’t tear each other down” transferred to wall art that I keep proudly hung up in my home.

I’m telling you this because I want to encourage you to think about doing these things. Grief is messy and complicated, but these are some of the things I wish I had done or I have done that have brought me comfort. If I can pass these tools onto you, maybe you, one day, will find comfort in them, too.

But most importantly, I want to encourage you to cherish your time with your parents- so long as your relationship with them is one that is healthy and loving. Call them. Hug them. Forgive them for their mistakes. Apologize for yours. Take pictures. Share stories about them. THANK them. If you have kids, tell your kids about their grandparents. Put together picture books about their life. Have your parent write a letter to your kids so they have their handwriting as a memento. Love them, and soak in the gratitude of all the memories you have built with them.

I am coming up on three years without my dad. I wish he could have been here for these past three years- he’s missed seeing my niece nd nephew get older, my husband and I buying our first home, my brother and SIL buying their third home a little closer to all of us. He’s missed my mom fixing up their home. And so many little memories in between the milestones, like birthday parties and bbq’s and baseball games. And there’s so much coming he won’t be here for. He was the kind of dad that SHOWED UP, not out of obligation but because he truly wanted to . He loved ferociously, cracked jokes whenever he could, and welcomed everyone he met with open arms. The world is a little less joyful and kind without him here. It doesn’t seem fair that life goes on without him, but we must, so I will continue to tell his story and make him as real as I can for everyone that didn’t get a chance to meet him. Let me tell you, you are missing out by not knowing him. So I will tell you about him, every chance I can.

Originally published at https://mcarolin05.wixsite.com on February 4, 2021.